'50 SHADES OF CHAV' Chapter 1.....

50 shades of Chav."As he approached with those pasty white arms hanging out of his Gola vest, his smile told me it was benefit day and I knew my velour tracksuit would be hanging off the lamp shade tonight." "It was Dwayne's birthday. I was preparing his special tea of Findus Crispy Pancakes and Pot Noodle. I would let him take me any way he wanted tonight. His favourite position was what he called The Dogs of War. Where he took me from behind and played Call of Duty at the same time." "Our 6 week anniversary was approaching. This would be my longest relationship without becoming pregnant. I thought of this as he lay on top of me making love. His skinny arms straddled my head like breadsticks either side of an orange. As I rubbed his whiter than white back I imagined every mole I felt was spelling out Braille for I love you" "As I stood in line at the Job Centre thinking of reasons I couldn't work, a sweet smell drifted past my pig like nostrils. It was a mixture of weed, B.O and Lynx Africa. I turned around and there was Dwayne. Our eyes met and he was soon lifting me onto the wheelie bins behind the Iceland. He had tied up his Staffy to block the ally way so we wouldn't be disturbed. There was a tramp watching but it just added to the mystery. I knew it was love and my life would never be the same." "My mum had told me to leave Dwayne many times due to the violence but I knew he loved me as he always took his rings off before he hit me. Tonight though he was in a foul mood, I had ****** his tea up after failing to de- frost his prawn ring I had nicked from farm foods. He picked up the power lead from my kids mega drive and whipped it across my doughy ****. It stung but I liked it. I shouted again again so he carried on. I thought my shell suit would rip into a million pieces. As I looked over my shoulder I saw his Weetabix toothed smile. He even had a semi on which is rare as the crack normally played havoc with his erections.

Chapter 2

Kebabs at lunch.....after yet another incident wiv the bathroom door my face was pretty red, Dwayne had fell asleep so i made my way too town init. Iceland was the 1st on my hit list the security guard had a gold tooth i remember thinking too my self god hes FIT i'd do him. As i was minding my own business filling my Sainsburys bag up with frozens 4 the freeza,only had £1.20 on the emergency tho... then i hit the kebab freeza dwayne really liked kebabs so i tried too get him 5 boxes but then i felt a strong arm squeeze my shoulder and the breath down my neck i went all gooey oooh i said out loud....i thought id cummed but think i just needed a wee, it was the FIT security guard he'd got hold of me and said YOUR coming wiv me i was thinking anywhere darling bham would b nice i like the curries there. Once in the holding room id pleaded wiv Coolio(security guard)that Dwayne would beat me up if i never got him some food, looking around the room i seen 2 security cameras,hey Coolio you look gorgeous he even started too blush next min i was gobbling him his strong arms holding my head after 2\3 mins he tensed up and i swallowed the lot it tasted like beach water bit lumpy like chicken soup,Coolio let me keep 2 boxes of microwavable kebabs and 2 boxes of cheeseburgers my fave, but he did say he didnt want me too see me again. as i walked out i thought to myself is that what tulisa feels like i was on top of the world "I had a week to myself, bliss. The kids were all at their respective dads apart from Shakira whose dad was on remand. Luckily her Grandma was home as this time last year she was in Malia on an 18-30. Dwayne wanted me to be a Dominatrix but I couldn't get the gear as the new security guard at Ann Summers was a right git. I had to improvise. I put on my fave black slag wellies and wrapped bin bags around my muffin tops. For the mask I pulled my old black period pants over my head. I looked like a Gothic Vanessa Feltz attempting a bank job. Dwayne looked well chuffed as he had scored some Viagra off his dealer. I climbed on top but the idiot was asleep. He had bought diazepam my mistake. I tried to get him inside me but it was like trying to push toothpaste back into the tube. Finishing myself on the kids buzz light-year wasn't my finest hour.

chapter 3.

Dwayne didnt come home last night, i think its probably because his mate had dole and they had a piss up and passed
out in an alley way. I knew it wouldnt be long before he came thorugh the door all angin and ready for bed, so i though
i would spice things up a bit for him cos i love him. I grabbed my favourite dress, its bright pink with fluffy neckline and
hid the stains from the last time i wore it with my green cardi. I felt guilty about gobbling Coolio but i knew if i told him
he would leave me and my house would get taken off me. This would be my way of making it up to him.
When he came through the door, i noticed white marks on his trousers and brusies on his neck.. he said that it was from
falling over but i think he was with that slag from next door. he always goes to her when im on and i knew i shouldnt have
told him. He looked me up and down and winked which really got me going. i felt like Tulisa all over again.

Chapter 4

Dwayne said he was starving, it must have been from his come down. i made him his favourite, alphabetty spaghetti.
i tried to spell out a really lovely word but i didnt have the letters so i just put 'dway' because i ate the n and the e when
i opened the tin. i knew he was extra hungry today so i found a crust of bread in the cuboard, there wasnt much green on
it so i picked it off before he seen it.
as he was eating i grabbed his trackies off the floor and put them in the sink to wash them and found some washing
powder in a little clear bag, i think he calls them dodgy's. i used it to wash his clothes so that they would smell nice for
him but it was like putty in the water, im glad i dont buy washing powder, its not very good.
i knew that tomorrow we would go and sign on again, so i made sure i had my pink shell suit ready cos i knew id be getting
it in the ally again in the morning. i cant wait to feel his pasty arms around my neck again.

Fantastic.....cheered me up on an otherwise boring nightshift.

Looking forward to chapter 5.

I just came.

https://twitter.com/#%21/50SOAndyGray

On really works if you know who Andy Gray is and his classic lines.

This is fantastic, really hope there's more!

fan-bloody-tastic.

For some reason this reminds me of F365's World Cup Blog from 2010!

fk me, irony is lost on some people isn't it?

(Apologies if you're American.)

"take a bow, son"